Recollect, when it happens last time. You, the adult well dressed man, in reply to the remark of the father have suddenly shouted an inhuman voice: "Lag behind, I know all!!!".

By the way, at your parent reaction on such zajavochki is perfected by years.

Your first nail in coffin Bazarova

Nihilist Bazarov, the ardent fighter with ideology of "fathers", is memorable to us under the school program. On a plot this character of anything especial in a life has not reached also anybody of what has not convinced. As show interrogations, basically it was remembered to the reader by that abused seniors much. Thus the way of life conducted the parasitic. The such punk of XIX century.

Turgenev developed an image Bazarova, as an original illustration. Markets expressed aversion of system of values of the senior generation, finished almost to the point of irrationality. And as it in this role has appeared is convincing! Places to the opposite. Today we know, why so left.

Markets what it was conceived by the author, opposition with "fathers" simply could not win. In performance under the name "Sincere conversation of the father and the son" which scenario essentially did not vary the last some thousand years, Markets regularly fulfilled a role of the Child.

More low we and will designate these roles - from the big letter.

As it is insulting, mutual relations "fathers and children" in a family - only a set of roles. The problem of the Parent under the scenario - to preserve you and to learn lives. The problem of the Child - to sit silently and to nod. That at the Child the grey hair makes the way, not very well. You can remain the Child while the Parent will not leave from a scene.

Presently and in our country this situation is sharpest. Our Parent frequently is not guilty that cannot depart from the scenario. He simply does not guess, that such scenario is. When he was the Child, its conflicts to seniors were less sharp and were under construction on other preconditions. As a rule, our mums and daddies in a youth were much closer to the parents, than we now.

AND THAT, AND OTHER GENERATION STUDIED TO SURVIVE.

AND OUR GENERATION WISHES TO LIVE.

Adult children we have now appeared with whom, wish to work not simply, and to receive from it pleasure. Not easier to give birth to children, and to create rather happy families. Therefore at us it is tightened (at a sight of parents it is inadmissible) the period of vocational counselling, a choice of the spouse, and so on.

And after all "I should" and "I want" - absolutely different concepts. The first is characteristic for people whom circumstances have tired out in very rigid frameworks. And the second - is simply normal at all times.

Probably, we the first generation of Russian which accurately realises this difference. And who will tell now, what we do not understand and we do not regret our parents?

Only they also will tell.

"I should rise in six mornings". "I should write this book". Most likely, the book and has not been written, and the person and has not learnt to rise in six mornings. Such discord madly injures it. But even more the lovely daddy flies into a rage, because its children basically not namereny to achieve with what he has not consulted. It is the most characteristic sore of generation of our fathers. It is such terrible "sovok" behavioural stereotype.

Two from three our "fathers" do not realise, that constantly repeat to itself "I owe that, I should so...". Also exhaust it itself and associates. That is interesting, as members of a society they function not bad. But only because absolutely useless members of a family much of them.

When psychologists have made out, how much heavy internal shocks worry present "fathers", "the method of rational psychotherapy" has been developed. In its basis - revealing of key phrases, using which as the life law, the person on the sly loses human shape. Such phrases for today it is known 14. The first phrase which has been allocated - "I should". In an ideal the problem of the psychotherapist - to learn the client to live by a normal rule "I would like". Alas, at job with "fathers" it is almost unattainable. The positive result considers already softening of such accent as "I should", to it "would be better".

Unfortunately, for the Child to push away the diffident Parent easier, than to estimate its problems.

To years by 16-18 when the person realises itself the high-grade person, especially if it becomes financially independent, in a family the difficult moment comes. You have already grown, and here parents became only even more senior. As it is sad, their mentality by this time loses flexibility. Your seniors are not so capable to depart from a role of the Parent and are not so capable to apprehend you as the high-grade Adult. Having saved children's memoirs, mum with the daddy have lost children's reactions. Frequently they elementary do not remember, how felt by the young man that it is necessary to him and as he achieves it. There is only a rigid parental position. And if parents are capable to speak normally with contemporaries, is high-grade to communicate with the (already very adult) the child they cannot.

They still wish to protect and preserve you, that in general it is quite good. But they still wish to learn you what you should be.

Arises nestykovka. The adult Child as a rule well sees, when parental notations are not deprived common sense. Especially if mum with the daddy in the opinion of the son are successful. But even guessing, that, probably, in fifty years he will think in the same way, to follow to councils immediately the Child is not capable. It still young, at it other functions.

Parents of it usually do not consider. Them not always reaches, that each person - the carrier of certain type of the person and the nervous organisation. If the father is active and cheerful, and from each victory at it the desire to move forward only grows, it is very difficult to it to understand, that the son in a similar situation needs to have a rest and restore forces. To support the spiritual and psychological condition stable, the child is simply obliged to function a little in another way. Besides, it absolutely in another way can samovyrazhatsja and this self-expression frequently to the daddy rises across a throat.

Conflicts when on you press, not understanding begin, than you are. And when somebody presses not, and the Parent, natural reaction of the adult person which exhaust in position vospituemogo the Child - absolutely children's: "I do not want and I will not be". The parent starts to shout, and the Child already rests all four paws.

Prominent feature of such lovely conversation - full inability of the parties to grope any common language. Even if the wise son will try to be the Adult and to translate conversation in a channel of peace discussion, to it bystrenko will specify in its place. If the wise father tries not to shout, and to admonish, the Child from surprise will start to use foul language - if only to discompose this new daddy who is completely not similar to his parent. They have set each other certain roles, and performance should go under genre laws. Peace discussion of a problem in this case is almost unreal. With rare exception, which only confirm a rule.

Let's repeat: the problem of the Child - to sit silently and to nod. If he tries to destroy a stereotype and to behave with the Parent on equal, it, as a rule, only will provoke even more rigid arrival.

Still the Child, listening to the notation, assorts words badly. It basically absorbs emotions and that moralize to him is angry. From here and emotional fullness of children's reaction of adults djad. Not constructive cries, and even razmahivanie kitchen utensils.

You can begin to cry, escape, cry, all will be excused to you. But within the limits of performance you have no right to behave as the Adult. A foolish situation, especially when the parties each other sincerely like. You wish it to break? On this way for you wait bo-olshie opening.

At the heart of your outlook on life in any case - the opinion of parents acquired in the childhood. You of it can not understand, not feel, but it so. And when the daddy starts to broadcast with a pedestal, easy uncertainty ("And can, it is really right?") generates at you children's reaction of tearing away instead of real constructive softening of accents. But what such to send the father on three letters? It is an exit of the Child, the fool or the coward. It is an exit of the person which is not self-assured. Besides, to make it never late. And here if you find in yourself forces to risk...

Only be not surprised - during this moment you will try on for the first time on yourself a role of the personal psychotherapist. And this trade demands endurance, ability to listen, and the main thing - desires to understand own motives. In your case the main thing to understand, whether you wish to become Adults, or is intended till the end of the days to revel in a role of the unreasonable child.

"All is correct, the father. I believe you. You are cleverer, wiser, remarkably, that you to me now something important have told. But also you understand, that I on twenty, thirty years are younger than you... And I now cannot elementary live how you live in the years. I simply cannot make it yet. I can not yet. Then". To tell it it is very difficult. Especially when you understand what to speak these words it is necessary not twenty and not thirty times, and hundred.

But to tell it once it is necessary. Not for parents, for itself. Easier to grow. You will feel yourself Rather adult only if find in yourself forces in an adult way to start talking. The role of the Adult is hard. But in it there is a high.

Certainly is much easier, using a children's stereotype to decide, that Parents vozbuhajut because you the Child, and to it as the senior, it is necessary to bear the ahineju. And it is easier to child to tell "Yes go you!", than "I cannot". To become Adults is, probably, to tell: "Excuse, but now I cannot make it". That old men will be stunned...

Clear business, that in Russia it is necessary to consider still the whole complex zamorochek a Postbolshevist society. In particular that adult children are long compelled to remain to live with seniors. Parents, naturally, in every possible way preserve children, but also demand instead of children's model of behaviour - that you remained the Child and to them listened.

Besides, for our Euroasian mentality is characteristic to consult and ask permissions in cases when it is completely not obligatory.

If you the adult person if you are assured that you are going to to do - you do. What for to tell about it? When you will make, by result you and will estimate mum with the daddy as it in general is necessary in an adult society. How you communicate with the colleagues how you live among people? Usually you prove business that you the man and the professional. And parents always can prove, that you were right, having shown to them result of the work. In ninety percent of cases, regularly playing a role of Parents, they from yours sversheny zatorchat.

And stupid children's reaction is "At first I to you I will prove and I will explain, that all will be in my opinion". By the way, then it is possible and not to do anything, because the main thing for the Child in dispute with the Parent - self-affirmation.

Sensible children from the Center of Mental Health of the Russian Academy of Sciences on which I consulted, preparing this material, advise another's Parents each Divine day. Swear on the sly at the. To children own allow the superfluous. Also stick, as well as all of us, earning for the best life.

Certainly, as professionals, they cannot be categorical in estimations. Their definitions is "most likely", "in the majority" and "there is a tendency". But the main thing to me managed to be caught. The tendency actually is.

If we are not lazy, we have every chance to become the best Parents, than our fathers. Markets all repeated senselessness of creative work: "I Here will die, and the burdock all the same on my tomb will grow...". It is a position of the Child. And the burdock problem on a tomb usually does not excite the Adult.

It is for this purpose too engaged in by real business.