Let's remember Tanju the dead

Names and patronymics are changed.

A time number is intentionally deformed.

Value judgment not always corresponds to the real.

The final phrase is not written.

In the morning on Sunday Tanja has opened a window. Has taken seat over a ten-storied precipice. Has pressed the button of the mobile. Behind a wall, on kitchen, the call was distributed.

- Hi, mum. Please, count to three.

- Time... - mum has reckoned.

Similar, I became last of strangers with whom Tanja spoke. She called on Saturday evening, searched for my wife. That was not at home - fairly, was not. A usual voice of the person who has been not assured by anything in general, Tanja has asked: and when? And we have begun to find out, that for day of week on a court yard.

Tanja it was eternally confused in days and numbers. And at me as if on purpose job such, that conventions to a bulb. To me only time of days interestingly: if behind a window it is light, it is necessary to go to bed, and time night, it is time for business... Therefore we with Tanej each time amicably stumbled on the coordination of dates and laughed at it.

For some reason it seemed to me, that Tanja small plotnenkaja the brown-haired woman. And it was light-brown and very thin.

- Two... - mum has told.

I knew, that to Tana remain not for long. For a long time already knew. But it has slipped a final piece of a way in the rate which has amazed me. I not the expert. In general strange left - week Tanja it was treated, on target the little girl have easy released home, on its Saturday has suddenly braided, she has tried to address to the unique person to whom really trusted, the person has not appeared on a place, to go again to clinic Tanja has not wanted...

Clear business very few people likes clinic.

And the person - that - all the same Tanju would not gain. It for half a year to "has released" it.

I respect professionals. All of them at least a little swine. At least, try to be them. Because in any job there comes sooner or later the moment when it is necessary to make a rigid choice. To cut prirzhavevshuju a nut. To chop off the text stop short. To give the hopeless client to psychiatrists.

It is better so. That itself to save for following nuts, books, people. But the deposit mean remains. And differently it is impossible, after all if intentionally to forget these moments of a choice - will not collect experience. Necessary extremely to become year from a year more and more effective pro.

Here dung what: suffering - an indispensable component of a life of any master.

As it is paradoxical, that Saturday even direct refusal in the help could delay an outcome a little. I see and hear, as if so was actually: a para-three of professionally verified phrases, and this intonation, from which at me on a skin murashki, and stopped, as if inside turned, a sight of the expert who is coming to the senses after heavy job... Psychologists do not give a Hippocratic Oath. But it means nothing. Simply someone has come to world to rescue soul and lives, and someone - to hill the clientele, suffering easy deviations. I saw both such psychologists, and such. The rescuer has grown from my wife. At me on eyes. Oh, damn, nine years side by side! It was possible to observe situations what and did not dream the normal person.

However, from your obedient servants for these years too... Not the good child has grown.

Eh, it was cheerful with psychiatrists vodka to drink. Only the smell nejroleptikov in corridors irritated me. It such especial - with standard hospital atmosphere of anything the general. Worthless zapashok.

- Three! - mum has told.

Taninoj to mum, in general, has carried. Rather, but has carried. It is how much possible to consider as luck that children at you was two, and the senior here - in addition is healthy, normal till now. To go through the child... I do not wish to speak about it. Not without reason steams at which the newborn perishes even... No, I do not want. Saw. I know. And once itself has staid week on the verge.

Estimate a phrase: "your baby has entered an awful condition, and to pump out it undertook purely for a tick, but it has suddenly shown such will to live, that we have become interested in it".

It is said by mortally tired voice absolutely deprived of expression. A voice of the person, to which on her and on her. Because someone today and have not pumped out.

Suki. Professionals, their mother.

And after all itself from time to time is not better at all. Let in other area, but too sometimes with people you work in direct contact. Also happens, such ruthlessness outside pret though in a mirror spit. You stroke beginning authors, you support, they become impudent, and you break - and crack! - deep editorial analysis. On the tonsils. At the same time check on pediculosis. The victim will take offence, means, the weakling.

Will tell, dedovshchina? Anything similar. Ours dolbajut everyone, constantly, all, to whom not laziness. From everywhere. Frequently not from that party, whence you can accept criticism it is grateful.

Job such. Direction and akterstvo in one glass. That means: you will receive from the beginning up to the end and in all holes.

Who has told - doctors, cooks and priests not to touch?

When there is a wave, will sweep away all.

At Tani trades were not in general.

Perhaps have time to take a great interest it in any standing business... Oh, hardly. It seems, Tanja basically has not caused a stir ability something seriously to be interested. It was for this purpose too heavy to it to live. It skipped on tops, quickly was disappointed, cooled down, ran into melancholy.

On the bill "three" it has jumped.

Skilled psychiatrist Vasilich - fifteen years of the fighting experience, the recognised master, simpatjaga, the clear head, soul-person, the expert in the prime of life and on form peak, - has slapped then vodka and has declared:

- It is impossible to speak such things, of it and to think, if it is fair, badly, but as well, that the God has tidied up the girl... otmuchilas the poor thing.

Here I do not know, that Igor who "conducted" last time Tanju has told. And the nobility I do not want. Igor in branch in a silent way disliked. He like knew the business, but patients perceived functionally as if the got bad mechanisms, for attempt to correct which it is necessary to take as much as possible money.

When it soon tragically was lost - so ridiculously, that I simply will not risk about it to write, - all have naturally howled. Both did not like Igor, and have howled, silently, but it is distinct. Too it soriginalnichal, even for the psychiatrist.

Actually there one more has then died, too not on-ljudski, and with vykrutasom. In general, any communication and the slightest touch of mysticism. People simply have left. They in general - leave. And you will leave. About myself I do not know. Since me have left painful, exhausting I smother thoughts on the future non-existence - in what I can not be assured.

In general to die easily. Disgustingly to come nearer to death. And under the curtain the person usually no trouble does not feel. Similar with me was once, on other-wordly temperature. Therefore I never was afraid of death. Was afraid of that will be after. Much can perceive the world behind line as infinite darkness, in which small scared by a point the consciousness released from a body pulses.

And now present at least on sekundochku infinite darkness in which you - are not present!

After all so it should look, if under the truth.

Now there, in darkness, is not present Tani. Once there will be no you.

In one perfect day - will be nothing.

Then also I for certain will disappear. Over this barrier to me not to step. And what sense? In my trade if to reject cynicism peculiar to it, the service element is extraordinary strong. While you serve, you can work. While you work - it is live.

To whom it nobody or there is no need, or do not give - so happens too, - to serve, that starts to kill itself(himself), and once achieves the object.

Ours basically not mrut.

It is possible to serve, of course, in general to the people, but it is self-deception and a time delay of a break. Actually you serve the concrete person. Then also other earth dwellers accept your service with pleasure.

Otherwise begins razdraj. Like to all it is necessary, by all it is adored, and the happiness is not present. And you... Correctly. You head for an exit.

The ridiculous thought - can, in Tana one of ours was lost? Simply not in time even to try to take place. Tanja sharply felt the uselessness and senselessness. But was not in forces to break a situation. Could not "on mentality". Klinch. A stalemate. Has had a snack brakes.

When I have found out, that I have nobody to serve more, the audience has very soon felt it. "Painfully to look, how you kill yourself", - one kind sincere person has told. And I said lies to it. About the general weariness and crisis of middle age which by all means will pass.

Said lies, because was afraid to recognise - I already have mentally buried myself. Every day it was terrible to wake up: as if you walk from the ship on Island Dead. In dreams your present life, and in reality … the Love has evaporated, music does not please, the alcohol only deafens, even to trample down a pedal on a line it is desirable with passengers behind the back: otherwise and washes away to run.

You go, you communicate, you solve problems, in something you participate, even you make psychoactive actions, and actually constantly you behave for a tail. Because if you will relax, suddenly drives to a throat a question: what for these petty intrigues? Against the future overthrow in darkness nothing costs the spent efforts.

Bats! Has passed away. And there, behind line, even Tani is not present - the small foolish unfortunate little girl exhausted with sincere illness.

Anybody there is not present.

And you will not be.

Arguing logically to die of absence of love and service - the same nonsense as without it to live.

- Three... - mum has told.

Then, much later, her mother came to my wife. To thank that the girl has stretched superfluous year. They have talked, saw a wine bottle, mum has left in a gift for our son a charming soft toy, and the wife - one of last photos Tani.

Touching gift. In an apple.

Such, bljad, job at the psychotherapist.

It seems to me, they are purposely substituted by times, most a little, in attempt to learn and go through it is more. But the earth round, sloping, and sometimes, intentionally having passed blow, it is possible to slip casually and painfully to hurt.

You would see, how they prepare for sessions. And as "are shaken" after. As communicate with similar. As are proud of masters and despise potboilers in the numbers. What fire their eyes when all turns out and as they are unhappy if it becomes clear - client not to extend burn.

There are absolutely especial moments, enchanting, improbable. But as a whole it is simple one more trade.

- You can look, as looked Tanja.

I would like to embrace, kiss, stir up, make the wife though something - the reliable partner, the loyal friend, let and without former deep affinity, but expensive person... It it was impossible. It has come also villages nearby, all executed inexpressible grief, is faster, perhaps, light, pominalnoj. Also has stretched a photo.

Tanja on a photo polulezhala - a back in a fluffy round green bush of a plant unknown to me. Powerlessly having stretched thin hands. Very much wished to be thin, and became. On its this nonsense has sufficed. For a life already is not present. In an objective the girl looked absolutely with detachment.

- Never would think. It seemed to me, Tanja it is perfect another. Listen, it here as if having prepared for flight... You do not know?.

- It have found laying on a back.

Point.

I could tear off on it the story but then it would not be history about professionals. About these though a little bit swine and though a little cynics. About most innocent of victims of an instinct of self-preservation. About edinstvenyh deserters who, having caught, do not execute (it not about military men, of course, but also the text not about murderers - like).

Though some judge. Or, at least, condemn.

But it is necessary after all to get still.

That is interesting, on occasion - really it is necessary. I, happen, I represent naivnjaka and I fly in a network purposely to clear the moments which nobody begins to chew to the person obviously clever. An amusing stroke: my instinct of self-preservation is so strong, that one akterstva does not suffice, it is necessary to catch in good time in itself rolling foolish mood, to be arranged under it, and sincerely to make a fool to the full extent. So before those who appreciates my honesty and frankness, I am pure aki a fragment of glass.

And here beautiful my eyes to praise it is not necessary. Right year from a year weakens, but left I see more than some would like.

Sometimes it is possible to read the unwritten texts after that eyes strongly cuts in a dream, and texts all the same you do not remember.

Sometimes you hold in hands of volume which never let out, you marvel to covers and names. From it to eyes it is not sick.

Did not ask, whether something is dreamt to especially professional our psychologists-psychotherapists, and what places then are ill them. And psychiatrists did not ask. Has not risked to climb in this business, podelikatnichal. Too revered for such questions. Though, for example, I know: Vasilichu, happens, dreams, that again in army have taken away. It if on a life occurs to it injustice, and unconscious about insult vopiet. Though psychiatrists the term "unconscious" do not favour. And unconscious their opinion to a lantern, here it outside also pushes out nightmares.

And to the dead the same dirty trick from time to time dreamt Igor.

And me.

- Two. - mum has told.

I remember, how Tanju have released to die, and in it there was nothing shameful neither for it, nor for read a sentence.

We went to bed, is banal to sleep, because I at that time did not work as nights. And the wife has suddenly told:

- I will not extend Tanju. It is necessary to release it.

Has told sadly and a little tensely, she needed to "speak" the problem and to estimate reaction of other person - it is assured, this phrase was repeatedly said mentally before razdastsja aloud.

- Also what for it waits?

- Will simply treat. Will strong plant on tablets.

- And?. - I guessed, that the most important is already told, but there was no last stroke.

- It will commit suicide.

Know, the world has not failed.

Never I subscribed to work at the wife as the dispatcher but so left. To pull the person on mobile when it conducts a session, last business. Ordinatorsky where stationary phone, from a psychotherapy office it is far. And, in general, much everyone to the people called to us home. Only I have for some reason remembered and instantly learnt Tannin a voice. If it is fair, voices at all were similar - to it, unfortunate, to call it was heavy, - but here Tanju I allocated. By the way, it has never woken me. For what to it separate mersi as from the dispatcher softness and ingratiating were required. Which I showed contrary to the most bad mood. After just once half asleep nalajal on the patient, and then it became very a shame.

It was sincerely a pity to me of these people. Especially, they made job of the wife. Job of the person without which support I would not become the expert in the area.

And on the contrary.

On this way we have put each other set of blows, frequently too painful. But with such figures differently simply it is impossible. That from the person for show the self-confident hatched simply self-assured... Especially when self-confidence is based entirely on fears, traumas, rage... And which at whom also the suppressed bent for to murder sometimes kicks. And on those thanks: all the same not latent pedophilia or, say, lesbijanstvo, and a worthy severe sore.

We have tried to extend one another. With me it has turned out, apparently, not so. But at least professionally I have grown to level of "expert" as it name in the game environment. Is where to develop. The spouse has left far away.

Then the wife will tell once, that I very much the cruel man, and it not malicious, simply aggressive. Alas, concerning it I and have not learnt to distinguish a side between healthy aggression and fierce hatred to all live. Speak, protective reactions on painful razdrazhiteli at all different and look almost always unattractively. It is a pity, but it seems, to me it is not allowed to make out similar subtleties. Or it is not required.

Specificity of my job: sometimes visual acuity it is necessary is artificial to muffle, and even at all to look at the world askance.

But if the person such "zamylennym" a sight daily throws the private life, for me it means, that it is internally absolutely lonely.

It's OK. So there live millions. And let to itself live. What for it the trained eye? Once to see itself in a mirror and to be terrified?

It is not necessary. During lifetime of such sight brings only sufferings. And there, where has left Tanja - and where it definitively and irrevocably is not present, - all the same there is nothing will look. Both there is nothing. Also there is nobody.

In general, remain here is better.

- Time! - mum has told.

Tanja called, complained, that with psychiatrists boringly, asked why not to meet, to talk. The wife softly, but unshakably removed it. Sometimes it seems to me, that I can reproduce some characteristic phrases, however memory there and then rubs clean them. Ability to feel a pain of other person as own not the most convenient line when do painfully to your friend, and you not in a condition to help. Or I have wound superfluous round this history too much and now "I say lies as the eyewitness"? I was the most distant from a scene the witness.

Tanja called, apparently, three times. There was a long break, and at once that autumn Saturday Further. About which it was necessary more to find out, that Saturday, and Tanja I grinned in a tube, and to it in the answer.

Then it has sat down on a window sill and has pressed the button of the mobile.

After, probably, there was still a set of suicides in this world, only as to me was on them always to spit so the relation and has not changed. Whether it is not enough, what people kill themselves. Whether it is not enough, what for. I saw it in army, have then found one quite literary murder with the subsequent suicide at university. And Tanja which has been simply obliged to die... Not understanding, not feeling own opinion on its bill, I have accepted the point of view of professionals. Has agreed, that Tannin death - the best exit from a situation. Reasonable. Even merciful in relation to the girl.

I and have remembered it for myself - dead.

For a wall, on kitchen, the call was distributed.

- Hello, Tanja!

I have slowly gone towards a kitchen door, and just under "I wait for you, see you" have leant a shoulder about a jamb.

- Tanja?

The wife has looked at me strange. In detail to describe this sight, the rather big paragraph would be required.

- From a next world do not call! - she has told little bit more rigidly, than followed.

Not only me has told. Perhaps and at all to me.

Has looked down. Again I have involuntarily noted, as there are to it mature years and motherhood. Special, rare beauty the woman, became even more interesting.

And that-that, and the confidence sufficed now it with interest. It already presumed luxury to be to herself, instead of to seem. As consequence - not to hide feeling.

Has passed by, it is underlined trying not to touch. And so, still with the lowered eyes, has vigorously said:

- That not the psychotherapist who has not gone through a suicide of the client!

Intonation at it has appeared even more difficult, than a sight - the paragraph on two. Probably, I simply would get confused, trying it to decipher. But the most important thing has sounded accurately. With a metal ring.

It became the present rigid professional who knows to itself the price, is intended to reach very many, and under no circumstances will not be gone.

It was possible to collect things and to leave.